My day at King Richard’s Faire

 

(Yes, that's me)

 

So I went to the King Richard’s Faire last weekend with the intent of making fun of douchebags dressed up in costumes. I figure these people like to dress up like Conan The Barbarian’s gay half-brother and I like making fun of people, so everyone wins. I also brought my staple hidden bottle of booze which I bring to any event that I attend. Well I’ll tell you pard’ner, something inside of me changed in the woods that day (besides my blood alcohol level)… I started to enjoy myself. I started off laughing at the jerks dressed up like Pirates, Knights, Vampires, and Star Trek guys who beamed down to the Renaissance (which I researched later and found to be a big thing at these “Faires”) and I enjoyed it quite a bit. At one point in the day and about halfway through the bottle, I started thinking, “Damn that sword looks cool,” then I thought, “I probably need some gauntlets for my forearms.” Now, I would like to express that I didn’t want these items for any kind of LARPing or battle re-enacting, but for the sole purpose of advancing my quest for Rock and Roll. So I doled out a LOT of cash for these two items, figuring they would pay for themselves in good-times, destruction, and Rock and Roll. Little did I know how soon they would pay off.

The following day, I had a few people over for football and drinking (two of my favorite things in the world) and like anyone would have predicted, the sword came into play. First we posed with it, casually swung it around and admired its Conan-essence but things quickly escalated. After some, beers, some shots, and some HUGE glasses of vodkaDietPepsis (yes I drink that crap) the Renaissance Faire had begun and one of my chairs was completely destroyed. Sworded. The one IKEA chair that I didn’t fuck up during assembly I had completely destroyed.

 

Booze+Sword=Awesome

In hindsight I don’t regret destroying my chair as much as I regret laughing and the King Richard Dweebs, those cats had it right. I had no idea the chair-destroying power those cats had until now.

Barn Owl Bill

Yeah you’ve got an owl. Yeah you’ve got a sweet haircut and maybe you lucked into a cool neckbrace. But do you have your own T-shirt? Barn Owl Bill does. He’s at least one up on you.

Edit: The more I look at this picture, the more convinced I am that Barn Owl Bill has kind of weird Christian connection. Only some dude with a Christian message would show up at public schools dressed like this and sporting an owl, right?

Thanks FFFFound

Tuesday 40 Review: Steele Reserve

I’m going to kick these 40 reviews off with my absolute favorite: Steele Reserve. If 40 oz have spirit animals, Steele Reserve’s would be an EagleBearShark. These 40’s bear the symbol “211” on them which I have to assume stands for how many times better Steele Reserve is than another 40 offered in the far end of the liquor store coolers where they keep the 40s. Steele  Reserve is the uncontested king of the 40 world. These “High Gravity” 40’s come in at a stellar 8.1% Alcohol By Volume (ABV) and retail for between $2.50-$3.00 and will get even the most hardened drunk lit up by the end of the second 40. That’s drunk for $5-$6 if you’re watching your wallet, and let’s face it we all are nowadays. I mean, unless you’re Donald Trump or the Queen of England you’d be crazy NOT to me maximizing your drunk-to-dollars’ ratio by drinking the 211.

Like all things, there is a downside to the mighty Steele Reserve: it tastes like shit. I doesn’t taste like piss, it tastes like shit. But let’s face it, if you’re drinking Steele Reserve you probably don’t have your pinky in the air, discussing the citrus notes and the nose of this particular malt liquor. The only reason to drink Steele Reserve is to get drunk. Cheap drunk. And if you’re looking for a cheap drunk then you ,sir or madame, have found the holy grail. Steele Reserve is the smart bum’s choice when it comes to malt liquor (everyone knows that any alcoholic worth his shit drinks vodka) and it’s no secret that the homeless are very frugal. I remember in California I had a homeless gentleman offer to trade me a half-imbibed 22 of Steele Reserve with a piece of turkey on top of it for 2 dollars. Steele Reserve carries so much juice with the homeless they use it in place of cash! I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had anyone use a Bud Light and a piece of turkey to barter with me; and I’ll tell you what, if you can’t use your beverage to wheel and deal with the homeless then what do you really have? You sure as Hell don’t have a Steele Reserve.

Taste: 2 stars

Value: 5 stars

Drunk Factor: 5 Stars

Hobo Factor: 5 stars

(sorry I can’t figure out how to put pictures of stars next to the ratings. It would have made it look a lot cooler and more official looking)

Cobain and Kitten

I have no problem admitting I am a Nirvana fan. I found their music to be simple yet evocative of the time, Cobain’s lyrics were obscure and… wait… is he wearing red nail polish? Goddamnit.